The Willis Blog

Do I Have To Be Their Friend?

2008-11-05T20:42:00.004-05:00

I'm swamped at work (grading, grading, grading) so I'm going to make this one short and to the point. I'll try to write more over the holidays.

Continuing on the topic of Forgiveness:

At first blush Matthew 18 can seem confusing. Verses 15-19 contain the portion where Jesus describes confronting a person who has sinned against you, ending with the admonishment that if the person doesn't change their ways then they are to be put out.

After saying this, Jesus spends the rest of the chapter teaching the disciples to forgive everyone and stating that if they don't forgive everyone then the Father will basically punish them severely.

Think about that again: In one section, Jesus is saying that if your "brother" sins against you and never changes then you are to leave them alone. In the next section Jesus is saying that if you don't forgive everyone "seventy times seven" then you are in serious trouble with God.

To understand these two sections you need to understand that Jesus is referring to two different things. Vs. 15-19 are about reconciliation. Vs. 20-35 are about forgiveness. Reconciliation is defined as enemies becoming friends. My definition of forgiveness is releasing my anger toward the offender and replacing it with unconditional love (two parts).

What is clear from these sections of Matthew 18 is that reconciliation and forgiveness are two independent concepts. The whole truth is this: as Christians we are called to forgive everyone but we are not required to be in relationship with people who continue to harm us and refuse to change their behavior.

Forgiveness is the only requirement. I must forgive whether or not the person acknowledges their wrong or changes their behavior. However, once I forgive a person and attempt reconciliation, if they are unwilling or unable to change, I do not have to be in relationship with that person.

What do you think? I'm curious for some feedback.

Responding to a Kick in the Face

2008-10-09T16:39:00.006-04:00

We've all been kicked in the face by someone else. I don't mean literally but the result is the same. Hurt, offense, sadness, anger. You overhear people talking about you. Someone gives you the stinkeye. Your roommate uses the last of the milk but leaves the jug in the fridge. You overhear people talking about a party to which you apparently are not invited. Your spouse or significant other has a bad day and decides to use you as a verbal whipping post. Relationships are like that, it's just the nature of life. Stupid happens. Mean happens. Inconsiderate happens. Right? We all know what that's like. It sucks! (of course, most of us give as good as we get, don't we?)

So, how do we respond when someone offends us or hurts us in some way? I want to take the next few blogs and work through this idea. I don't know the percentage but I would say that the predominant cause of trouble in our lives is relational. Therefore, if we can start to get a grip on this issue, we can begin to lessen the amount of stress in our lives.

First things first: There is too much info here to do this in one post. This is going to take a few weeks, I think, to hash this all out.

Forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, and justice are vastly different concepts. Perhaps this is one reason that Matthew 18 can be so confusing.

My take:

Forgiveness is a personal act on the part of someone who has been offended. It's intrapersonal, in that it happens within an individual who has been offended. In forgiveness, I replace my anger and hurt toward an offender with unconditional love.

Repentance is a personal act on the part of someone who has been the offender. In repentance, I acknowledge the wrong of my former behavior and turn away from it.

In an ideal world, when a wrong occurs, the offender repents and the offended person forgives and they both move on with life. But this doesn't always happen. A key concept: Forgiveness and repentance are seperate acts and do not require the other act to occur. Because both are intrapersonal acts (occuring within a person) I can forgive another person without the other person being repentant, or I can repent without the other person being willing to forgive me for my wrong.

If you are like me and have a sibling, you probably remember your mom making you apologize to them at some point for hurting them (i.e. when ernie held me down and chewed up food and spit it in my face, or when I chunked a ceramic elephant at his head, or when he chased me in my room and caused me to split my pinky finger open, or...well, you get the idea). I think this is a noble thing for parents to do but it may set an unrealistic precendent. In real life, those who hurt you don't have to say "sorry".

As Christians, we are called to be people of forgiveness, regardless of whether or not the offender changes their behavior. "...Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors..." This is the reason forgiveness is so tough. To me, forgiveness sometimes feels like death. In fact, if you look at notable passages on forgiveness (Colossians 3 for example) it seems like forgiveness is discussed in the context of our death. "Therefore, since you died with Christ..." I'm giving up my right to hate another person and seek personal retribution. I'm giving up my right to repay evil with evil. Which is tough enough when the offender is repentant but nearly impossible when the offender doesn't give a damn.

People don't want to forgive because it feels like letting the offender off the hook.

Okay, I'm tired of thinking about this for now. More later. What do you think so far?

Oh My! This is about to get exciting!

2008-09-28T17:48:00.003-04:00

Are you sitting down? (I assume you aren't reading your computer standing up.)

I have something to tell you that may come as quite a shock.

Lisa is pregnant. That's right, I said pregnant! We are going to be parents. Does that scare any of you? She is 13 weeks today, so the due date is April 6th.

Notice I didn't go with the PC "Lisa and I are pregnant". The reason is because Lisa informed me yesterday that "we" aren't pregnant. "We" aren't nauseous. "We" aren't bloated, dizzy, and foggy-headed. "We" don't have to get up 5 times in the night to pee. She has a point.

So if you need me in the next six months you know where to find me: in my home-office in the Buddy Morton Memorial Recliner deep, deep, deep in prayer!

Culture of Differences

2008-09-19T17:44:00.002-04:00

(I might need some help getting my thoughts clear on this, so if you have some feedback for me, I'd be interested in hearing it.)

I'm becoming aware of how much we as a human race are not like each other. The differences are staggering - ethnicity, religion, politics, interests and hobbies, jobs, worldviews. Sometimes we seem like 6 billion snowflakes all landing on the same planet but being distinctively different from each other.

Even as Christians, we seem so different. What one group does as an act of worship another group sees as an act of sin. Just look at how many denominations exist. And yet, Christ has made us all one in him. The Holy Spirit has made each believer his dwelling place. Even through our vast differences, Christ enables us to connect with one another and support one another in a way that might not otherwise even be possible.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but its been on my mind lately. Feedback?

The Best Show You're Not Watching

2008-09-14T21:54:00.005-04:00

I know, I know, TV Show reviews are not my normal thing. But this is important so stay focused! I want to tell you about the best show on TV that you are not watching.

To set it up I'll tell you about two of my favorite TV shows from the past. When I was a kid, I never missed an episode of The A-Team. I can hear the theme song and see the bullet holes ripping through the intro even now. A group of army commandos had been falsely accused and were on the run from the government. The group lived in the "Los Angeles underground" and survived by helping out good people in trouble. Great freaking show. Mr. T alone was reason enough to love that show.

Okay, my other favorite show occured more recently. Alias was about a spy named Sydney Bristow. She did spy stuff and kicked butt. The last season was a little off the mark but the other seasons, particularly the first, were impeccable. Alias was truly can't-miss TV for me and Lisa.

So, the best show you're not watching is called Burn Notice on the USA network. Go to www. usanetwork.com/series/burnnotice to watch full episodes of the entire first season and most of the second. Burn Notice is Alias meets A-Team. Michael Weston is a spy that has been "burned" (black listed by the government). He spends half the shows trying to figure out who burned him and the other half helping out people in need. I don't want to tell you too much more because it would ruin it. Just go check it out. For those of you concerned with moral content, there is not much in the way of foul language, sexuality, or gore. The show is smart, fresh, and way under the radar. If you do decide to check out the older episodes online, do yourself a favor and start from the beginning.

One More Thing About Sovereignty and I'll Leave It Alone

2008-09-11T10:53:00.003-04:00

My friend Grits has me thinking about my old youth group, so I want to share some of that with my loyal readers (all 5 of you!), but before I go there, I want to address one "loose end" in my post about God's sovereignty.

I made an assumption in the last post, an assumption that a person could make requests of God and then rest in God's sovereignty, knowing that God would take our request into consideration and then do whatever was in our best interest.

This assumes that God is good. It seems to me that if I am an anxious person it revolves around one or both of the following issues: God's sovereignty and God's goodness.

Don't miss that. In order for me to rest in God's sovereignty, I have to believe that in the core of his being, he is good and wants the best for me. If God is not good, then his sovereignty would be terrifying; he'd be the ultimate terror of the universe. I would live my life in constant fear of being targeted by him for destruction.

But I believe that God is good. And not only do I believe that he is good, he is good to me. When I'm walking in this belief, then I can't help but be filled with peace and serenity. My prayer today is that each of you be filled with an experiential awareness of God's sovereignty and his goodness toward you.

Sovereignty, Supplications, and Serenity

2008-08-27T21:05:00.004-04:00

I've been spending some time lately thinking about the sovereignty of God. People's belief in the sovereignty of God falls on a continuum; some have a fairly weak view of God's sovereignty and some take a stronger view. I heard a joke in Bible college about a calvinist (strong view of God's sovereignty) that fell down a flight of stairs. After dusting himself off, the calvinist exclaimed "Thank God that's over with". I'm not sure I'm to that extreme yet (but maybe I am) but I definitely lean toward a strong view of God's sovereignty.

I take such a strong view of God's sovereignty, in fact, that I began to contemplate the purpose of prayer. I mean, if God's will is going to be accomplished anyway, why should I pray about something? The "thing" I pray about will either happen or not. Then I remembered the verse that says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" (Philippians 4:6). Obviously, this passage encourages prayer. So, I might not know exactly how it fits together, but God wants me to pray. God's sovereignty doesn't cancel out my supplication. Somehow, God pays attention to my desires and apparently sometimes alters (and sometimes does not alter) his will based upon my prayer. Heavy thought.

As I looked further into the passage in Philippians, I noticed that the encouragement toward prayer is flanked on both sides by remarks about anxiety and peace. Praying with a strong view of God's sovereignty releases me from anxiety. Verse 7 states, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". I take from this to mean that somehow supplication and sovereignty lead to serenity. I make my petitions known to God. From that point on, the ball is in his court, so to speak. He is sovereign and he can do as he wishes with my requests. Therefore, I can rest knowing that he is in charge and he knows what's best for me and will act in my best interest.

I'm curious what some of you think about this idea. I've been more at peace lately as I've thought about all of this but I'm interested in some feedback.

"Be Still, My Soul"

2008-07-29T22:01:00.002-04:00

Sitting in our little Presbyterian church in our small little town, I was struggling. It was a few weeks ago and I was dealing with the normal groanings of life. Our minister of music called out a hymn number and I turned my dusty hymnal to whatever page it was.

The hymn was titled "Be Still, My Soul" and it blessed me in a deep way. Lisa wrote down the words and we have them by the computer. I thought I'd share the words of the first couple of verses with you; maybe they will bless some of you who are groaning as well.

1) Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change he faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: your best, your heav'nly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2) Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future as he has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

The Little Garden That Could

2008-07-23T22:51:00.004-04:00

"To own a bit of ground, to scratch it with a hoe, to plant seeds and watch the renewal of life - this is...the most satisfactory thing a man can do." Charles Dudley Warner, American editor and writer (1829-1900; as cited in the "Ferry Morse Garden Helper")

The picture above does not lie; my garden is really tiny. I'm man enough to admit it. I have a really small garden. Actually, this is just a test-run for next year. I have never planted my own garden so I'm experimenting with this little plot so I can really do it right (read: huge) next year. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated with pictures as the weeks progress.

For those of you interested, I dug out this area (about 5 feet by 4 feet) by myself with a shovel and a hand-held gardening tool. Which, of course, proves that I'm a real man. Seriously. Actually, it only proves I'm too cheap to rent a tiller, but I digress.

Things I Miss and Things I Don't

2008-07-12T20:53:00.008-04:00

I haven't blogged since February so I kind of feel compelled to post some new stuff. Here goes:

"Things I miss, Things I don't"

Today is the one year anniversary of Lisa and I moving from my hometown. I miss it really bad. I took a teaching position at a University about 2 1/2 hours from my hometown. The distance wasn't so bad because gas was about $1.75 less than it is now. Lisa and I could go back home whenever we felt like it. But I haven't been home since Easter.

I miss my family. I miss my brother and his wife and their boys. Really bad. I miss seeing my mom, who is really sick right now. I miss seeing my dad and being able to help him cut the grass. I miss Lisa's family also. We have some good friends and neighbors here so I'm not depressed about it but I just get homesick sometimes.

I miss my friends. I haven't seen Christian since Easter and that totally sucks. I miss Josh and Abbey, Liz and Clint, Rob and Amy. I miss John and Penny and the girls (man they grow up so fast). I miss all the guys from my old youth group who have grown up and married. I miss being mystified by Brian T. Murphy ("Did he really just do that?" "Did he really just say that?"). I miss Steve Malone. Oh God, how I miss Steve Malone. (By the way, I saw an old picture of my granddad and I was shocked because he looked just like Steve. So weird.) I miss Shane making me laugh until I actually thought I would vomit. (Shane is one of the funniest and most beautiful people I have ever known. Although, at lunch with me and Clint just before I moved, he told us one of the sickest, grossest stories ever. I won't horrify you with the details but it had to do with....actually, I can't tell you anything about it without having my blog censored! Actually, I'm kind of nauseous just thinking about it again.)

I miss Red Mountain Church and Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church. The 80's rock group Cinderella said it best: "Don't know what you got till its gone." Thank God for the internet! I have listened to more Bob Flayhart sermons and more Red Mountain music since I've been gone than I ever did when I was in town. I've also enjoyed listening to Tom Cannon, the pastor at Red Mountain Church. That guy seems like a great addition to that church. I wish I had the chance to meet him; I'm sure I will some day. If you are reading this and don't know who these two men are, you owe it to yourself to download some of their stuff (ompc.org and redmountainchurch.org). You won't regret it.

I miss sushi. I live in a small town...I mean, a really small town. I could probably find sushi on the buffet at one of the chinese restaurants here but I mean, come on, that stuff could kill you. I want sushi from Surin West and I want it right freaking now!

I don't miss knowing everyone, everywhere. Turns out, if you live in the same town for 35 years, you get to know some people. One of the best things about moving here is that I can go to Walmart and buy beer without 15 people giving me weird glances. I mean, sheez people, get a life! Here no one primarily knows me as "the guy who used to be a minister", which is wonderful. I mean, really wonderful.

I don't miss traffic. I live 1.3 miles from the parking lot of my office. I calculated it up and Lisa and I drive less than 50 miles a week combined, and that's a conservative estimate. There is no traffic except for on the main highway, and I rarely drive that street. I can get anywhere I need to go in about 4 minutes. Heaven...I'm in heaven!

I guess that's about it for now. I'll write more later. Give me some comments people!

Inconsistency is My Most Consistent Character Trait

2008-02-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been coming into an awareness about my personality. Brace yourself for the ugly truth; I'm inconsistent. I know, I know - totally shocking!

My life runs in up and down waves like a stone has been dropped in the middle of my pond. When I listen to the rythym of the waves I hear a cadence of approach-avoidance-approach-avoidance. This rythym runs through all areas of my life: work, relationships, chores, spirituality, and hobbies. Hell, even my blog is inconsistent!

When I was in the 10th grade, Ms. Sheridan taught me that Rate multiplied by Time equals Distance. While that is certainly true, something seems to be missing from the equation. I think the equation needs to be reformatted to work in our real lives. For me, Consistent Rate multiplied by Time equals Distance. Here's a weird example: Allow me to tell you about my Little Giant. We bought a pool cover to go over the pool this winter. As soon as we put the pool cover on it began to ran...alot. It has rained 25% of the days since we put the cover on (a conservative estimate). The problem with the rain is that it collects on top of the cover. So, the pool store sold me this little bitty pump: The Little Giant. I placed it on the cover and expected to see some real action, but nothing happened that I could see. I couldn't hear it doing anything. But as I stood there wondering if I had a defective product, I noticed water draining out of the hose attached to the pump. It was working, just not very quickly. (Note: Before I bought the pump, I would take a 5-gallon bucket and try to get the rain water off the cover. After a crazy amount of effort, only a little water would be gone. It would take days for me to get water off the pool cover from just a small amount of rain.) So I let the pump run and would check on it every hour or so. Because it was pumping the water at a consistent rate, the water was gone from the cover in like 5 hours. Consistency won out over exaggerated effort.

But what does this all mean? I don't totally know. One thing I do know is that I'm probably never going to be the model of consistency. For me, I think, the goal is moderation. For the peaks of the waves to move more to the center, leaving less time between the tops and bottoms of the waves. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's been raining all morning and I think I hear the Little Giant calling my name.

Fearless

2008-01-18T12:02:00.001-05:00

One of the books on my "must read" list - particularly for counselors or theologians - is Irvin Yalom's "Existential Psychotherapy". It is a truly fascinating piece of philosophy/psychology. (Yalom is a hardcore atheist, but for those who do not wish to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", Yalom may have something to teach us all.) Yalom's take on life is that a fear of death permeates the life of every person. People defend against death anxiety by checking out of life, numbing themselves to their own existence, as if not fully engaging in life were a way to press the pause button and extend life.

In Romans chapter 8, Paul says that we have not been given a spirit of slavery to fear. As Christians, we have been given the Spirit of Sonship. Later in that same chapter Paul exclaimed, "What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" For the believer, the sting of death has been removed. As Christians, we enter into a new relationship with death. Neither death, nor anything else in life, is to be feared because "nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus". In short, Paul says we should be fearless.

Yet I see so much fear in my own life. So many subtle ways of checking out. So many ways to guard against the inevitable: keeping relationships at a distance, zoning out in front of the t.v., focusing too much attention on work. What about you? How does fear force you out of your own life? How does fear keep you from fully engaging in your own existence?

My hope for us all today is that God gives us the strength to be fearless.

Spiritual Lessons from the Cat

2007-12-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

Three years ago, almost to the day, my wife called me from work. She was frantic. As it turns out, some kittens had been abandoned by their mother outside her workplace and it was cold. She wanted me to go buy a trap so she could catch them and adopt them out.

If you know me, you know my fondness for cats is not very strong. I told Lisa there was no way in (well, you get the idea) that she was going to bring those things into our house. If you know Lisa, you know that she was going to bring the kittens home no matter what!

She was able to catch three of the little baby kittens. Two of them were so sweet and cuddly and playful. We were able to find them homes rather quickly...And then there was the runt. Abandoned by her mother and now seperated from her sisters, she would hiss at everyone who came near her. Her fear and trauma made her so aggressive that we literally could not give her away. Lisa asked if we could keep her "just until somebody takes her". I said no...we kept the cat.

Lisa named her "hissy" and was eventually able to tame her, but hissy was terrified of me. Everytime I came anywhere near her she ran in terror. Even when I would bring her a treat or some kind of toy, she fled. I have never done her any harm, nor would I. My intentions with the little kitty have been nothing but honorable; and yet she still remains afraid of me to this day.

Three years later, she will allow me to be in the same rooom with her, but not touch her. If I try to pet her, its like petting air because she bolts so quickly.

It dawned on me that I react in the same way to God. Never being able to stay in His presence because I'm afraid. Never being able to experience the deep blessing of abiding because of my own anxiety. In short, I discovered that I share the same orphan-heart with Hissy.

Maybe one day her fear will subside to the point where she can enjoy my presence. Maybe one day I can abide in the presence of God with joy and peace. Until then, I can rest in the knowledge that I love her even though she is afraid of me. I rest in the belief that God feels the same way about me.

Dreams and Nightmares

2007-11-25T17:37:00.000-05:00

Dreams have always been fascinating to me, so when I heard about an upcoming dream conference, I was in. I attended the conference last weekend and it was remarkable. Presented by the Commission on Spirituality of the Episcopal church, the weekend was led by Bob Haden. Father Haden is a certified dream group leader and a certified spiritual director in the Jungian, mystical, Christian tradition.

I was most interested in his thoughts about nightmares. I've always had them - terrible, bone-chilling visions of death, torment, and violence. So here are some things Haden had to say about them:

Nightmares are not always a bad thing. "The road to wholeness isn't always goodness and light." Nightmares can come in the service of healing and wholeness.
One major reason for the existence of nightmares: Most nightmares come to scare you and get your attention. You haven't listened to some message you need to hear and now the message is coming to get your attention.
The other major reason for the existence of nightmares: Other nightmares contain something in the conscious world that you cannot contain. We are working out traumatic events in our lives to reach healing and wholeness.

When you have a nightmare, Haden suggests that your use your waking imagination to do some investigation. Picture yourself back in the nightmare. Are you being chased? If so, stop running and turn around. Ask whatever is chasing you, "who are you?" Then imagine what the thing would say.

Dream symbols were a big part of the discussion. Following are some interesting symbols:

Breasts - nurturing; nurture we need, will get, or are getting
Genitals- creativity
Houses- represent your inner, personal life
Buildings not houses- represent your life in relation to the outside world
Water- unconscious
Boat- the Church
Flying- freedom, could be compensatory so ask yourself, "Where in my life do I feel blocked in?"
Falling- failing in the eyes of peers/expectations

Armed with all of this new knowledge, I went to sleep. Following is a dream I had the night after the conference:

I'm teaching a class to undergraduates and graduates. My brother is among the graduate students and they are acting obnoxious. I tell them to have some respect (while using some salty language). I leave the room and go to the restroom to compose myself. One by one, janitors start coming in really aggressively, almost hitting me with the door. I look at each one and say, "I'm not scared of you. I'll beat your ass." (or some variation). As I exit the restroom, I am confronted by children who are gang members and trying to intimidate me. I tell each one the same message I told the janitors. One by one, they go away until there are only two people left facing me, and one of them is Brittany Spears! I tell her just like I tell the others, "I'm not scared, I"ll beat your ass!" She looks frightened and then the dream is over.

I can't tell if the dream is about my anxiety or some hidden aggression. If any of you have any ideas about the dream, I'd be interested in hearing them. Of course, you know I also want to hear about some weird dream that you've had. So, talk to me.

A Consistent Ethic of Human Life

2007-11-18T22:22:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to Derek Webb's "The Ringing Bell". What an amazing album! I love listening to a Christian artist and actually having to think; actually having to weigh an opinion and decide if I agree or not. For example, here are some lyrics from one of the songs: "There are two great lies that I've heard: The day you eat the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die/ and that Jesus Christ was a white middle class republican, and if you want to be saved you'll have to learn to be like him."

Derek's album got me thinking about having a consistent ethic of human life. Most liberals I know are pro-choice and opposed to the death penalty. Conversly, most conservatives I know are pro-life and favor the death penalty. The issue I have is that neither view seems very consistent. On the one hand, liberals, in general, would fight for a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy, but would be aghast at the state choosing to terminate the life of a brutal murderer. On the other hand, conservatives, in general, preach about the sanctity of human life but seem all too eager to see another human being strapped onto a gurney and injected with death. Where is the consistency?

Life is sacred and must be terminated with extreme caution. I would support abortion in certain, rare cases. I would also support the death penalty in certain, rare cases. But other than these rare cases, I believe that both practices should be avoided.

For her part, Lisa disagrees with me (as I assume most other conservatives will). Lisa says that the unborn child is innocent and that the murderer is guilty. I can't argue the point. In fact, I could probably come up with several other good arguments against my position. For instance, I know the state has the God-given authority to terminate the life of certain offenders. I'm just not sure that, as Christians, we should be cheerleading the state.

I hope all of you have grace for me and my musings. My thoughts are not completely developed and I look forward to hearing what others have to say on the point. I just wanted to start the dialogue and see what happens. So, as always, what do you think?

Family Reunions

2007-11-11T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it. I used to hate family reunions. When I was younger so many things seemed to be more important. And besides, most of the people I would have wanted to hang around with lived near me and I saw them all the time. A reunion seemed like a waste of time.

Now I'm older and things are different. (Isn't that always how it is when you're older?)

Now I'm taking pictures of everything that moves - trying to freeze it in place, trying to slow the rushing onslaught of time, trying to create memories in photos for a time when people in those photos will no longer be here. Time is a swiftly flowing river.

Tough Questions

2007-11-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

Tough Question: Why is it difficult for me to offer grace to others when I so freely drink of the grace offered to me by God?

What happened to graciousness in our society? In our churches? In our families? What happened to understanding we are all messed up and realizing we need to forgive others for wrongs committed? Is the reason certain "news" anchors are popular is because we secretly enjoy watching them spew venom?

So, the tough question again: Why is it that I have trouble offering grace to others when I so freely partake of God's grace and the grace of others myself? An obvious answer is that I'm a sinful bastard, which is certainly true. But why do I engage in this particular act of sinful bastardness?

Probably the main reason is that I'm selfish. Offering grace to another requires that I lower myself and most of the time I'm simply unwilling to do that. I want the score tipped in my favor. Like a spoiled child, I want you to do all the hard work and give me everything I want without my reciprocating. I want you to give me grace but I don't want to offer it in return.

Getting out of this selfishness mode in order to forgive others or offer grace to others requires a certain type of death on my part. It is no coincidence that forgiveness and death are often linked in the New Testament (cf Col. 2:20; 3:5-14). I'm not sure where to go with this from here. I just wanted to put this out there. What do you think?

The Move is On!

2007-07-03T19:15:00.000-04:00

I am going to take a week or so off from the blog for our big move. A new post will be up after July 15th. Thanks for your patience!

Brad

Humpty Dumpty and terrifying freedom

2007-06-25T21:33:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about Humpty Dumpty. You remember the nursery rhyme don't you? In case you forgot, it goes like this: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again." It's frightening, actually. One minute your a smiling little egg sitting on a wall, minding your own business, and the next your falling toward imminent destruction.

The concept at work in the nursery rhyme is the existential notion of freedom. At first, "freedom" sounds like a good thing until you ponder it further. Freedom, in an existential context, means that there is no ground beneath your feet. Anything can happen to you at any moment. Life could bring out an aluminum bat and use your face as the ball. And even for those of us with a strong belief in the sovereignty of God that can be a terrifying thought.

If we are honest, life sometimes feels precarious, maybe even capricious. Relationships go down the toilet while you fight to save them. Jobs get yanked from under you for no real reason. Bodies contract illnesses you can't even pronounce. Ozone layers deplete without asking anyone's permission. Eggs fall off walls. Freedom.

Is God still in control when you're falling off the wall? Sure. Does he still care about you when you're laying in pieces on the ground? I believe so. Does he always fix it? No. Why? Don't ask me.

So what can we do in the face of all of this? Sometimes in the middle of the unfixable all we can do is groan. And while we groan, we can take solice in the fact that God is groaning right along with us, waiting for the perfect time to make all things right. (Rom. 8: 22, 23, 26)

Meet Brad Willis

2007-06-19T15:34:00.000-04:00

I admit it. I googled myself. Now I'm a bit more humble because of the experience. Google found 1,040 links when I searched "brad willis" but I didn't find myself until the very last entry on page 8! Even then, the link is about 4 years old and totally out of date. Apparently, I'm not the most popular Brad Willis on our planet. I could live with this fact except that it appears that a fictional australian soap opera character is one of my namesakes who is more popular than me. Oh well, I guess I have some work to do to get recognized!

Grace Has Left The Building (or "Why is everyone so angry?")

2007-06-14T16:14:00.000-04:00

I've noticed lately that the world seems to be an angrier place than it was when I was younger. Maybe the world seems angrier because I am older and see the world a little more clearly, or maybe as a country we are losing our sense of grace. By grace, I mean the act of giving another person a pass when they make a mistake or refusing to be easily offended by a silly comment. Grace is giving forgiveness and love to another person without making them earn it. Grace is serving someone else "just because", a not-so-random act of kindness. Whether it is a talking head on TV spitting vitriol, a guy in traffic trying to cut off the person who just cut them off, or a boss who speaks to her employees with contempt, grace appears to be at a premium in our society.

Of course, grace is not just lacking in our society at large. The landscape of personal relationships is littered with the shrapnel left behind from acts of gracelessness. Beautiful, intimate relationships can be utterly destroyed because of a lack of grace. Here is a simple truth: Acts of grace build up relationships, acts of gracelessness tear down relationships.

So how is it that those of us who claim to have received grace so freely from God have such a difficult time offering it to others, even when we know it would build up the relationship? The obvious answer is that we are a broken, messed-up people. But I want to look deeper than that. Why do I engage in acts of gracelessness toward others?

When looking at my own gracelessness, I believe one of the main causes is selfishness. I want you to act graciously toward me but I don't want to reciprocate. Offering grace to another person requires that I lower myself and humbly place the other person before me. Whether it is getting a glass of water for my wife or not replying with hatred to someone's insult, a gracious act puts the other person above me in that moment. The truth is that there are times in my life when I'm simply unwilling to do that.

Putting away selfishness in order to act graciously toward others requires a type of death in our lives. It is no coincidence that forgiveness (a supremely gracious act) and death are so often linked in the New Testament (look at Colossians 3:5 and 12-14). When the act of grace involves overlooking/forgiving an offense, I must die to my right to berate the offender. I must die to my right to talk to everyone I know about the offense. When the act of grace involves serving another, I must die to my right to sit on my behind and do nothing.

There is a ton more to say about this topic but I think I'll stop for now. As always, I look forward to your comments.

Thirteen Years

2007-06-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

A Post From Lisa:
ON THIS DAY THIRTEEN YEARS AGO, I made a vow before God, friends, and family to a man. Brad and I entered this union knowing that we are both imperfect humans, but committed to growing indiviually as well as corporately. The beauty of our marriage is that we are each other's biggest cheerleaders. We are truly excited and happy to see the other succeed. The respect and support that we share is rare. I am grateful beyond words for the gift from God of my husband and our relationship. Thank you, Brad, for being my best friend, biggest fan, lover, and partner. To make the journey of life with you is an honor. I love you. Happy Anniversary, Lisa

The Conundrum of Marriage

2007-06-07T17:58:00.001-04:00

Lisa and I have a very fulfilling, beautiful marriage. Sure, we have our moments just like every couple but for the most part we love and respect each other and enjoy spending time together. However, the reality is that all marriages go through seasons of difficulty. Lisa and I have been married for 13 years; believe us, when it's difficult, it's difficult. Because marriage at times can be so difficult, I'm never really shocked when I hear that "so-and-so" got divorced. Actually, I'm shocked that it doesn't happen more often. Sometimes I hear the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce and I think, "Really? Is that all?"

At least part of the trouble with marriage is due to the fact that each of us has darkness lurking inside like a black hole. Don't try to deny it. I don't know how to explain it theologically, but the human race- even "good Christians"- are pretty screwed up somewhere inside. At our worst, we are self-centered bastards who only want to be gratified while remaining under no obligation to gratify others. I want what I want even if it means I have to hurt you to get it. Axl Rose said it best, "You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me." The picture of a black hole sucking everything into oblivion seems an apt metaphor.

This is the point where I wish I could dole out easy answers for those in difficult marriages. I could make millions of freaking dollars (not to mention meet Oprah - Lisa would be SO Jealous) if I had the guts to publish "10 Steps to an Easy Marriage". But the longer Lisa and I are married, the more I realize that there are no easy steps. Sorry.

So where does that leave the regular, average Joes and Janes who just want to stay together and experience some joy in the process? I don't know. I wonder if part of the answer lies in the word "abide". Maybe couples need a sense in which "I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to make my stand with you, even if I think you suck right now." Of course, I can think of several situations in which someone should probably not abide.

Here's what I'm interested in: What is your story? If we eliminate "gimme" answers like "read your Bible", "Go to church", or "Pray that your spouse stops acting like an a-hole" what are we left with? If you are still married, what keeps you in it? If you've gotten out, what have you learned as a result and what would you do differently next time? I look forward to your responses; I'll post more of mine next week.

New Season Update

2007-06-06T16:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a few months since the initial post on this blog. Now that things have settled down for me I plan to start doing weekly postings. This week I will do two postings: this one and a good one on marriage tomorrow.

Update: After six long years in the wilderness, Lisa and I are happy to report that we have entered into a new season. I finally completed my dissertation and graduated on May 12th. I have taken a position as Assistant Professor in a counseling department and we will be moving a couple of hours down the road in July. Lisa is looking forward to getting a few well-deserved months off and I am looking forward to having a "real" job again! Lisa has been working on getting healthy and has been working with a personal trainer; meanwhile, I've been eating at Milo's. Spiritually, we are both looking forward to a season of renewal. We just bought a yoga DVD for the first time and are both excited about that. Other than that, we are just getting ready for the move and trying to wrap up stuff in town.

As for this blog, I want to use it as a place to dialogue honestly about life, relationships, marriage, theology, philosophy, etc. The key word being "honestly". I'm going to try not to clean up my language too much or sanitize my opinion on things. I want a chance for you (whoever "you" are) and I to practice the art of open dialogue. Feel free to agree, disagree, whatever; let's just try to do it in a professional manner.

Instructions for Reading the Posts from Today

2007-01-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today is the first blog entry for me and my wife. Today's entry is intended to serve as a public memorial for an amazing set of events that have occurred in our lives. Because of the length of the story, we have chosen to publish it in six separate posts. To begin at the beginning of the story, please scroll down to Part #1 ("When is a Blog like a Pile of Rocks") and start there. Please feel free to ask questions or post comments. We will be sure to reply to them. Thank you for visiting our blog site.

Out of the Wilderness, Into Jubilee (Part #6)

2007-01-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

On November 8, 2006, I had an experience that rocked my world. I had, for reasons unknown to me at the time, begun to read the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament. Parts of it were difficult to read (God's fierce anger at his chosen people) and parts of it were exhilarating (God's promise of a redeemer for his rebellious children). As I was reading that morning I found myself in Isaiah 43. At first there was nothing particularly special about it. All of a sudden, as I began to read verses 18 & 19, God spoke to me. I know, I know, if I were reading someone else's blog that said this, my cynicism meter would have just hit Code Red. However, I know my own experience. As I read verses 18 & 19, God was speaking them to me. I want to be sure I'm clear here. It's not that I read that passage and just really, really liked it. It's not that I read that passage and thought it would be good to claim it for myself. In that moment, something holy and sacred occurred. God reached down through time and space and spoke the words into my existence. Here is how the passage reads:

"This is what the LORD says....'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.' " Isaiah 43:18-19

It's impossible to explain the joy God's message brought. I quickly found my wife and told her about what had happened. It was amazing, and yet we had not connected it to the Wilderness Prophecy of 2000. At first we thought God was speaking to us about one specific situation we were dealing with. A couple of nights later, I was asleep, or half-asleep (who knows) and out of nowhere I sensed that God was showing me that a connection existed between the Wilderness Prophecy and the passage from Isaiah. Pretty heavy stuff.

Ok, here is something odd. My wife and I rejoiced over the words God had spoken, but it was as if we didn't fully grasp the weight of what was occurring. A month went by and we really didn't talk about it. On December 16, 2006, I went through my old journal from 2000 and found the original prophecy. I went into our bedroom to share it with my wife. As I read the original wilderness prophecy to my wife, I suddenly began to weep. What followed was truly incredible. We began to talk about the original wilderness prophecy, the crappy last six years, and the passage from Isaiah. We sat on the bed and just talked and wept. We had begun to see the full weight of what God was saying. [side note: I've been thinking about the story of Jesus healing the blind man by putting mud in his eyes. Remember that he had to do it twice? The first time Jesus put mud in the man's eyes, the man could see but things were blurry. Then by a second act the man's sight was fully restored. Isn't that odd?! Are moments of great blessing sometimes so overwhelming that God has to give them to us in doses?] Sitting on the bed that day and having God open our eyes to the truth of what was going on was truly one of the strangest (in a good way) experiences I have ever had.

We came to realize two things about all that had happened over the course of this journey:
1) I assumed at the time in 2000 that what the Wilderness Prophecy meant was that I needed to "add meat" because I was about to go through a wilderness experience. However, looking back on it, it seems like now what it meant was that we were going to go through a wilderness experience in order to "add meat". In other words, the wilderness was not the end but the means. I didn't need to prepare myself because it was coming- it was coming because I needed it to prepare me. It's the difference between the wilderness being about punishment and the wilderness being about preparation.

2) We also realized that our last official day at our old church was December 31, 2000. Which meant that yesterday, December 31, 2006, marked the end of six years since we had entered the wilderness. In the Old Testament, the land was on a 7-year cycle. The Israelites were to work the land for six years and the seventh year was to be a sabbath rest for the land. (A collection of seven, 7-year cycles culminated with a year of Jubilee in the 50th year in which homes were to be returned to their original owners, Hebrew slaves were to be set free, etc). We believe there is something significant about today, January 1, 2007, being the first day of the seventh year.

I know this has been a long story. It is important for my wife and I to chronicle as much of the story as possible. It is our intention that this blog entry serve as a public memorial for all that God has done these last six years. I appreciate your time and effort to read this. If you have questions or would like to make a comment, please feel free to post a reply.

Wandering to the Edge of the Wilderness (Part #5)

2007-01-01T16:43:00.000-05:00

God had been at work in our lives, tearing out our old performance-based theology and replacing it with a radical grace-centered theology. And yet through all of this the wilderness experience continued. We were literally unaware of the wilderness we were living in. The place of difficulty, isolation, and brokenness designed to bring us to the end of ourselves and "add meat" to our skeleton was a place we didn't even realize we were in. We knew it felt like our own little special level of hell, but we didn't understand what was going on. Day after day I would struggle with the silence of God. Where was he when life was crumbling around us? My wife would remark, "I'm tired of always being in transition." That's what the last few years had begun to feel like: Permanent Transition.

Then in August of 2006 things seemed to start happening. I'm not at liberty to go in to the details of what all began to happen because this is a public forum. Believe me, I wish I could, but it doesn't seem right. Suffice it to say that God was getting ready to remove the scales from our eyes.

Mercy in the Wilderness (Part #4)

2007-01-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

God, in his sovereignty and mercy, had brought us to the place where we could no longer act as if we had life all figured out. We were now at a spiritual place where we could be more receptive to what God wanted to teach us. Desperate for help, I reached out to a friend for advice. He suggested the name of a local counselor, Gordon. Gordon also had a female counselor in his practice, Julie. I began to see Gordon and my wife began to see Julie. We were financially broke, but Gordon agreed to see me at no charge. Crazy! The impact that Gordon and Julie had on our lives is immense.

During this same time we met some wonderful Christian people who loved us in the middle of our pain. They spoke words like "gospel", "grace", "repentance", and "belief". They spoke of the gospel in ways I'd never considered. They taught us the scripture and it was like we had never even read it before! And God opened our eyes to a new way of being. A way of being where God is sovereign, even over our mistakes. A way where our worth is found in God's approval of us and not our performance - and they actually believed it! A way where we don't have to hide our sin but are free to struggle, free to be honest, free to just be. A way where true growth comes as a result of repentance and belief rather than increased effort to attain the law. It was like an oasis in the desert.

It's an incredible thing to see God's provision even in the middle of suffering. During our wilderness wanderings, God provided for our every need. His provision was like a beautiful reminder that, although the days were dark, He had not left us to journey in the darkness alone.

The Wilderness (Part #3)

2007-01-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

Eventually my wife and I forgot about the prophecy. Every once in a while I would remember something about it, but for the most part it was as if it had been erased from our mind. (I guess it's not as much of a wilderness experience if you know you are in it.) We left our church with the confident expectation of success and blessing. We had formed our own company and were excited to see just how successful we were going to be! We were barely out of the gate when things started to go awry. Failed ministry, failed business, failed relationships, etc, etc (you get the idea). It is difficult to express the pain and frustration we experienced. It was as if we had the anti-midas touch. Everything we touched turned to junk. An ominous cloud hung over us. Had God abandoned us? Our life, which had at one time been the model image of Christian success, had become a shattered mass of brokenness and despair. Like wounded animals we even turned on each other.

The Prophecy of the Wilderness (Part #2)

2007-01-01T15:29:00.000-05:00

*Before moving on with the story I think it is important to give a brief caveat about how my wife and I aren't crazy or "religious whackos" and that we are certainly not given to flipant public displays of our faith. However, we feel strongly that our experience needs to be told. The story I'm about to tell is given as accurately and clearly as I am able. It is simply a chronicle of our experience as a couple over the last several years. Now on to the story.

On Sunday night, June 26th, 2000, I was going about my work as a youth minister in a rather large mainline denomination church (I am no longer associated with that denomination and am no longer in vocational ministry). At the conclusion of the Sunday evening service, a man approached me. He was an occasional visitor to our church; I recognized his face but did not know his name. He said that he had a word from God for me. Although I might normally balk at such talk, somehow I immediately believed him. There was something about the encounter that caused it to seem...real. There was no internal debate as to whether or not this man was authentic, I simply knew that he was. He spoke words to me that I was not prepared to hear. Here is a nutshell of what he said (taken from my journal in 2000):

"You are a skeleton. You have a foundation but it is time to add meat. There are doctrines you need to add to yourself. The wilderness is coming and you need to be ready for it."

I was shaken and frightened by the prophecy, which my wife and I now refer to as the "Wilderness Prophecy". What did it mean? Could I handle it? Why was this happening? Six months after the prophecy, on January 1st, 2001, my wife and I left that church to start our own organization. And that is the day we stepped into the wilderness.

When is a Blog like a Pile of Rocks? (Part #1)

2007-01-01T14:39:00.000-05:00

"So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, 'Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.' " Joshua 4: 1-7

This passage speaks of the ancient act of creating a memorial as a way of remembering a significant event. Each new generation, curious as to the meaning of the rocks, would hear the story of the miracle God performed for their ancestors. A significant event has occurred in our lives and in searching for an appropriate memorial, we decided to create a blog. (I could have piled up a bunch of rocks in my backyard, but I'm pretty sure that a blog would be easier on my back.) In the 21st century, a blog seems like a good way to create a public memorial to what is occurring in our lives. Here is our story.